Friday, April 23, 2010

Twidays: What the Fugly?

Dayum. That is all intense and sh*t. Exciting. Scary even.

Oh, yeah, scary. The giant alligator from "Lake Placid" has nothin' on those vamps rising from the water.

*snort* Okay, so I'm a bit of a wimp when it comes to scary.

But, I do need to ask one thing: Why the hell does Summit take good looking men and make them look like transvestites? Did you see Carlisle's hair? OMGAH.
Umm... But Jake does look damn good. God help me.

Why is Bella's engagement ring so damn fugly? Don't they take artistic license with that sh*t? I mean, sure Steph described a fugly ring. But they've changed so much else, why not that?

Totally fugly - I noticed that too! It's freaking huge, but not in a good way.

No wonder Bella said no the first time.

Bwahahaha!! Right? I would be all, "You need come back with something better than that monstrosity. For real." And no wonder she was embarrassed to wear it after she said yes!

She should slip him a brochure from Tiffany's.

How did Alice let him get away with that??

Well, it was supposed to be his mother's, but still. Tiffany & Co did originate the engagment ring back in the late 1800s, so they could have gone with a little blue box and still have been within historical guidelines.

But, you know what I think? I think every last one of Summit's stylists secretly HATE Twilight. This would explain the ugly wigs, the awful outfits, the ring...

Oh, so true! It's like a conspiracy to sabotage the visuals. "Oh, so you think Edward and Bella are romantic, huh? Well then, we'll make Jacob the only attractive character in the movie. So THERE!"

Exactly! It's quite obviously the only logical explanation. Because when they start making Edward look bad *cough*wonky nipple*cough*, you know something's going on.

Forget the wonky nipple, how about the fact that Edward was apparently 50 when he was turned? I mean, seriously, my DAD looks more lively than that.

Oh no. You're comparing Edward to your Dad? Now I know it's bad! I mean, nothing against your Dad or anything. *waves hi at Meadow's Dad*

What about you all? What did you think? Would you wear that ring?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Corrupting the Youth, One Sparkly Vamp at a Time

PhotobucketHave ya'll seen that the Twilight series is one of the most frequently asked books to be banned for 2009? WTF? While I agree that Breaking Fail should be banned just because it is an EPIC FAIL... Seriously? They say it is sexually explicit...where? WHERE DID I MISS THE SEX??

Dude, sex? Really? Yeah, I hate it when a book series marketed to teens alludes to sex within the institution of marriage. Like, twice. Before she becomes pregnant with a demon child. Yeah, that's a HORRID message and should be banned.

Okay, but these complaints are from the same people who thought that reading Harry Potter would eventually lead to ritualistic demon worship, no? So, I'm thinking that they might be a little...*tries to think of a nice way to say this* ... off in the head?

I actually love reading the Challenged Books list so I know what to add to my own TBR list. Somehow, these books are always my favorites.

PhotobucketWinnie the Pooh is on the banned books list.

Well, you know - his relationship with Piglet does raise concerns. *rolls eyes*

PhotobucketThat Winnie the Pooh will lead kids to drug, sex, pyromania and sacrificing goats on a Satanic altar.

*looks at goat-blood-covered-altar in the bathroom* So THAT explains it!

*snort* Okay, but just so we're clear, Twilight only just made it on the list for 2009. Here is the complete list from the ALA:

1. ttyl, ttfn, l8r, g8r (series), by Lauren Myracle
Reasons: Nudity, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs

2. “And Tango Makes Three” by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson
Reasons: Homosexuality

3. “The Perks of Being A Wallflower,” by Stephen Chbosky
Reasons: Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Anti-Family, Offensive Language, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs, Suicide

4. “To Kill A Mockingbird,” by Harper Lee
Reasons: Racism, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group

5. Twilight (series) by Stephenie Meyer
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group

6. “Catcher in the Rye,” by J.D. Salinger
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group

7. “My Sister’s Keeper,” by Jodi Picoult
Reasons: Sexism, Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs, Suicide, Violence

8. “The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big, Round Things,” by Carolyn Mackler
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group

9. “The Color Purple,” Alice Walker
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group

10. “The Chocolate War,” by Robert Cormier
Reasons: Nudity, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Sidebra with flames from book burnings: This list isn't brought about by the ALA, but compiled from parent complaints to educators and librarians.

What exactly is "Religious Viewpoint?" I don't remember any religion in Twilight. Except if you take into account the author's religious beliefs? Which include no sex before marriage, which completely negates the whole "Sexually Explicit" thing, right? Right? What am I missing?

Personally, if I wrote a book, I would aspire to be on this list. It would be my greatest accomplishment. And I'm not kidding. If you can get some crazy parents riled up about a book, you know you've written something grand.

PhotobucketAnd if you are getting offended by reading a damn book, perhaps you need to get out more often. Because there is a hell lot more in the REAL world to get offended about than bitch about some damn books damaging your special snowflakes fragile little minds or turning them into atheist socialist commies.

To Kill a Mockingbird?? Are you f*cking serious?? Insanity. Yeah, that Atticus Finch is one debauched asshole. And Scout and Jem will only encourage kids to ask questions, to learn what is right and wrong and PLAY OUTSIDE. OMG. The horror.

Somehow, I don't think the religious viewpoint they are talking about in the Twilight Saga is about the Church of Cullen. And that makes me very suspect of these people. Clearly, they have not been dazzled by the Virgin Edward.

For the record Dusty, you are now my hero. I'm going to print up shirts that say: "Books are damaging your special snowflakes fragile little minds and turning them into atheist socialist commies." We can put our logo on the back. "Come to Whimsical Fic-ery and let us show you how!" Something tells me I'm never going to be on the PTA at my daughter's Catholic school. *smirk*

Sidebra with screenprinting: You didn't think I'd do it, did you? Well, I did. I present to you the Whimsical Fic-ery Spreadshirt Shop.


ANYWAY, I think that Stephenie Meyer should feel honored. This is probably the ONLY way that any of her books would make it onto a list with the likes of The Color Purple and Catcher in the Rye. (No offense Steph, just sayin'. Sparkly vamps aren't exactly ringing the bells of social injustice.)

So, what do you y'all think? Should Steph be flattered? Would you ever read an entire book written in text speak? Let us know!


Monday, April 19, 2010

Reading Rain-bow: The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan

Today I'm going to rec a book that I read over a year ago. I can do that right? I think yes. The reason I am revisiting The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan is because it has come out in paperback with a snazzy new cover.

Synopsis from the author's website:

In Mary's world, there are simple truths. The Sisterhood always knows best. The Guardians will protect and serve. The Unconsecrated will never relent. And you must always mind the fence that surrounds the village. The fence that protects the village from the Forest of Hands and Teeth. But slowly, Mary's truths are failing her. She's learning things she never wanted to know about the Sisterhood and its secrets, and the Guardians and their power. And, when the fence is breached and her world is thrown into chaos, about the Unconsecrated and their relentlessness. Now she must choose between her village and her future, between the one she loves and the one who loves her. And she must face the truth about the Forest of Hands and Teeth. Could there be life outside a world surrounded by so much death?

Okay, see - you're interested now, aren't you? This book is riveting. That's the word I will choose. It's a deep, dark story that is all about the "what ifs" that I love so much. It has elements of surprise and fear, but among that is beauty in humanity. I think that is what I loved about this book - the revelation of strength in character and love amongst chaos. It's beautifully done.

Someone asked me if this book is about zombies. Yes, it is, but I don't remember that part as much as I do the human element. Mary, the main character, is extremely determined and shows amazing amounts of courage - not just in facing the "Unconsecrated," but also in the emotional sense. She's a wonderfully written heroine.

This isn't exactly 'light' or 'fun' reading, but it's definitely captivating and I think it will leave an impression on you, as it clearly has on me.

Follow Carrie Ryan on twitter. Carrie's Twitter Bio: I write about zombies. And love. But not zombie love. My books: THE FOREST OF HANDS AND TEETH (out now) & THE DEAD-TOSSED WAVES (out 3/9/10)