Friday, February 12, 2010

Twiday: Edward + Bella = True Love

As I was trying to figure out a gift for my husband pondering the meaning of Valentine's Day, I wondered what Valentine's Day was like for Edward and Bella during the timeline of the Twilight series. Those musings became this:

An Edward and Bella Valentine Retrospective

February 14, 2005 - Valentine's Day

From Edward's Journal (What? You know he totally kept one.):
I hate this God-forsaken day more than words can describe. The insipid mental babble of the hormone-driven children around me makes me want to vomit blood. As if my years and years of listening to this drivel weren't bad enough, God himself created a silent human to tempt me. All these red paper hearts make me think of one thing: Bella's heart, pumping her delicious, mouthwatering, lavender-scented blood. I am such an evil demon! Why would I... Dammit! Jasper! I didn't NOT need to see that image. Can't you and Alice go get a hotel or something? Like you need a day to - Oh, dear LORD, Emmett! ANOTHER red thong? REALLY? At least I know I can count on Carlisle and Esme to be discreet about OHGODMAKETHEIMAGESSTOP!!! I'm going to go hunt. And spy on Bella. Yeeeeeees.

From Bella's Journal:
Forks sucks. Seriously. I can't believe I got some stupid e-Valentine from Mike Newton. Of a puppy. Dude needs to hook up with Jessica and then they'll BOTH leave me the hell alone. Not that I have any other options. It's either him or Edward, who obviously hates me. Asshat. Maybe I'll become a lesbian. No, Rosalie won't give me the time of day either. Dammit.

February 14, 2006 - Valentine's Day

From Edward's Journal:
Bella. Oh sweet, beautiful, chaste, Bella. Please, somewhere deep inside, know that I left because I love you as I have never loved another. I could not bear to be near you and see as the blush of life leaves your cheeks. One day, far far in the future, I will join you in death's sweet embrace. Until that day, be happy. Live full and happy and... Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Please, please, PLEASE become a nun. PLEASE.

From Bella's Journal:
Damn that Edward Cullen. I bet he's off somewhere having hot, lusty, vampire sex with someone less "breakable." At least Jacob got me candy. That, coupled with the fact that he didn't abandon me in the middle of a forest, makes me think I should give him a chance. I mean, if Edward is off getting his freak on, I should too. It's not like I'm going to become a nun or something. Plus, I think Jake's been working out. Hmmm...

February 14, 2007 - Valentine's Day

From Edward's Journal:
I cannot imagine a way that I could be happier. I have my sweet Bella, beside me for all of eternity. My dear Nessie is growing quickly and is just as beautiful and smart as her mother. Finally on Valentine's Day I have something to other than an image of Rosalie's ass in a red thong burned in my mind: Bella's.

From Bella's Journal:
A red thong? Really? Oh well. It's better than conversation hearts. Besides, I really like when he - Oh. OH! He's back for more. Uh, I'll catch up on the journal later. Like next year. Maybe.



  1. I think I should admit that when I was first reading this I thought Emmett was the one in the red thong.

    What? You didn't? :)

  2. *giggling* I can understand that. I mean, Emmett does strike me as being secure enough in his masculinity to put on a thong for his lady. ;)

  3. That was really cute! I enjoyed it very much!

  4. Love it! Thanks for the VD gift. :) (Hm... Valentine's Day, Vampire Diaries, Venereal Disease... do all these VDs have something in common?)

  5. *scoffs* Yeah, Kemmett is secure enough in his masculinity for a red thong. There's a REASON Rosalie is the one who works on cars. #beard

    Hilarity as usual, though one editor's note. Jasper was NOT thinking of Alice. You all keep making this grievous error!

  6. Maybe they had on matching red thongs??? Hmm...


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